Posted: October 30, 2021 in Uncategorized

It’s not quite 3:00 a.m. and I am exhausted. Another nightmare. In this one I was wandering in the woods well after dark. I was at some kind of music festival but in a foreign country, we were sleeping in these elevated tents ten to twelve feet off the ground (I’m afraid of heights), and earlier in the day we had been warned not to be out after curfew because it was not safe. Well of course I found a reason to have to leave my tent in the middle of the night (probably answering the call of nature) and upon trying to return to my tent, I could not find it, hence the wandering. I woke up terrified and it seemed to take an extended period of time to realize I was safe at home. It was at least my second such nightmare this week and the other one was much worse. Now I am a person who knows the importance of rest and the fact that I don’t get anywhere near enough. I have to confess it gives me questions for God, like I know I could be a lot healthier and I know that I need to get more rest, but when I am trying to rest, I have nightmares or may brain just goes into overdrive and I can’t turn it off. Either way, I feel like I am finally doing what I can to rest and am being deprived of it, and my primary question for God is “Why?” The thing is, you should only ask God why if you really want to know.

My mind was drawn to this verse, Psalm 127:2: “In vain you rise early and stay up late, toiling for food to eat— for he grants sleep to those he loves.” This is my problem. No it’s not that He doesn’t love me, I know He does. It’s the fact that I am really pushing myself these days, and I fear I am trying to do too much in my own strength. It’s really easy to convince myself that I need to stay up a little later or get up a little later (usually both), and that if I really try hard, I can do one more thing. When I finally do lie down, my brain seems to wander to what else needs to be done. It dwells on anything I think I missed and before long even the rest I try to give myself is gone. In those moments I try to pray but even prayer becomes a non-stop list of distractions. I need to rest.

Instead I find myself staring at my screen, trying to capture these thoughts in hopes of helping someone else, even as I ask myself is this really the best use of my time. Basically it’s another conflicted bear of a night. My prayer is this will help someone else, and if you think of it, send up a prayer for me. I’m going to try to go back to sleep.

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